Photos of the mysterious Mars “Black Hole” have been whizzing around the Internet lately. It shows a dark hole on the surface of mars. Astronomers have been debating as to just exactly what this thing is. Some claim it’s a high-impact crater (See “Bullet-Hole” theory), other claim it’s the entrance to a giant network of sub-martian caves. Backers of the cave theory claim that these caves are so deep that there is a possibility some of them could contain ice. Should these caves contain ice, scientists claim the possibility of finding life in these underground glaciers would be very high.
“Life as we know it on Earth depends on water, we all started as single celled organisms back in the primordial goo that was Earth’s oceans.” Explains Dr. John Aster. “If we can find water on Mars as well, there’s life could have started on there in a similar fashion as Earth.”
Unfortunately, these exciting theories were proved incorrect today during a press conference with NASA Head of Spaceography, Yuri Katarov. Katarov shocked reporters.
“Unfortunately I have to announce my resignation from the Head of Spaceography. I have made a terrible mistake”
The Department of Spaceograpy receives photos taken my NASA’s various probes orbiting Mars, digitally processes the photos, and prepares them for researchers and public. Katarov has the final say in all of the department’s work, and often performs the final touches himself.
“I was up late finishing the work on the latest images from Marsr II” Explained Katarov. “I was taking a break after just finishing the last image, the one everyone sees as having the ‘Black Hole’. I went to light up a cigarette when my lighter almost burned my eyebrows off! Someone turned the flame way up. Anyway, my cigarette lit sucessfully, but in the confusing I dropped it, unfortunately right on the negatives I had just finished retouching.”
Katarov had already destroyed the originals as per NASA policy. He was forced to re-scan the burned negative and simply take out the cigarette burn. This was then printed and included in the press package.
“I thought no one would care, I mean, who reads anything NASA publishes anymore?” He explained.
As it turned out, someone does read those publications and before long, speculation was crawling the Internet. Scientists calculated the required depth of a cave to prevent any light from escaping. Extraterrestrial experts were claiming the home of the Martians had been found. Even religious groups were pointing to it as the location of heaven.
“Yuri had us all fooled, we were as excited as the media” said NASA Public Relations Chief Bob Turnwell. “It was very disappointing to learn the truth, we were dumbfounded and quite disappointed the search for life was back to square one”
NASA Head of Authenticity questioned the suspicious mark when reading Katarov’s notes.
“He actually wrote ‘I hope they don’t realize I burned 32-445b’, what a moron” Quincy Jones, Head Investigator explained
NASA has apologized repeatedly for the confusion these pictures have created and have promised more rigorous analysis of to-be-published photos.
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